Somehow it seems impossible that 2004 will end and 2005 will begin without Kevin. Everything's the same: quiet dinner (with my mom and sister instead) and hours of the Twilight Zone marathon to look forward to. Just no Kevin. The latest outrage for me is that everyone says how well I'm doing. But the reality is I feel like screaming all the time. How do I start a new year without Kevin in it? Guess I'll just have to figure it out.

It's not terrorism. The lasers aimed at 7 planes over the past week? St. Elmo's Fire. That sounds reasonable.

As if Pedro and chants of "who's your daddy" at Shea Stadium won't be bad enough. There will now be another f-ing "reality" show that I can only hope is the bottom of the barrel for the genre. When will TV network executives stop the madness? No need to answer that - it was meant rhetorically. Anyway, despite the outrage, one adoption advocate seems to think it's not all bad.

Thanks Dad for sending the link to the latest Rumsfeld outrage. A dangerous four years indeed.

Boy oh boy - there was an easier way to Stave Off Medicaid Cuts. Where were these guys November 2?

I can't believe it's Christmas and Kevin's not with me. Every year since we met, Christmas has been a day that we spent quietly - sleeping late, watching great movies - It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story to name a few. I decorated the house, Kevin cooked the turkey and listened to TranSiberian Orchestra. Over the past few years, it had become a day that was just for the two of us. His parents were gone and my family is about 300 miles south of New York so some years it wasn't possible to be there. (I usually did a pre and post Christmas visit to my family but I digress.) It's very hard for me now to see the TSO DVD and CD or the three monogrammed stockings he surprised me with last year.

It all began really on Christmas Day 1986. Kevin somehow tracked down the phone number to my parents beach house in North Carolina, where my family was spending Christmas and New Year's. He wished me a Merry Christmas and asked if I'd like to spend New Year's with him. He said he'd come south, I could come north or we could go to Jamaica. For some reason I picked north. Before the weekend was over, he told me he thought he was falling in love with me.

I would give anything for one more midnight walk with you, my Kevbo. I love you and miss you with all my heart. All I want for Christmas is you.

I honestly can't imagine what soldiers' families across this country are going through tonight after the latest deadly attack in Iraq. I'd love to know how long the "concrete mess hall" has been under construction.

It's so fucking wrong that so many young men and women are being killed for Bush's folly. The folly was not taking down Saddam - the folly was thinking we didn't have to prepare because we'd be in and out so quickly. And it's poor schmucks who thought joining the reserves might help with college or bring a little extra money.

And I'm starting an official - okay unofficial - boycott of those damn 'support our troops" ribbon magnets. You know the ones - that cover the back of all those SUVs - that's keeping our need for oil and gas right up there.

Time for a reality check indeed.

Based on Bush II'sYear-End Press Conference, I think we should have a do-over. I'm not kidding. Anyone who voted for Bush II should be forced to watch that press conference - held on a Monday morning before Christmas - I'm sure the rating are astronomic - anyway...

After the press conference, I'd like a national show of hands for everyone that thinks they voted the wrong way November 2.

There are two kinds of people in this world. People who like giving gifts -- and people who like receiving gifts. But come on - $5 for a teacher gift? You can't buy a shot glass with I heart New York on it for that. And considering the out of pocket expenses public school teachers endure, it's an insult.

But my outrage you wonder? How in god's name does Joel Klein have time to take on THIS issue givent the current state of NYC schools. Don't ask me. I'm frankly...well, outraged.

I haven't been posting as much as I used to and that bothers me because I truly love my blog. But there's so much to do without Kevin that it's a bit overwhelming at times.

But I knew I'd find time today after the 20th news broadcaster mentioned the probable deal between the Mets and Boston pitcher Pedro Martinez. You know him - the guy that tried to deck Don Zimmer this summer? Even if I could put that aside, if I hear one more reference to Martinez' daddy, I'm going to have to hit someone. I'm totally serious.

Not sure why but as I was writing the post below an aberrent thought popped into my head: I wonder what John Kerry's up to. Draw your own conclusions. Haven't been sleeping well this past week and am too tired.

After a long struggle, Tyler was euthanized last night. No way to sugar coat that one so I just figured I get it out there. He's been at the vet's since last week and every attempt by the vet to fight his fever was unsuccessful. I feel so bad for the little guy - but I also saw how much he was suffering when the fevers hit.

But I'm thankful to Tyler and grateful that I brought him home and was able to get the best care possible for him. If there was a way to save him, my vet would have found it.

The cat I rescued last week is back in the animal hospital for the second time. Fever and diarrhea keep returning. Now I'm worried Tilly could get sick too. Kevin would kill me - no shit. Anyway, trying to think positive but it doesn't look good for Tyler. Will keep you posted.

Soldiers Challenge "Enlistment Extensions," a/k/a being drafted. If anyone in their late teens, early 20s doesn't think they're next...

The week flew by! I have an excuse though. Following the post-Thanksgiving pits (a family word for depression), I went out to buy some Christmas decorations. Walking into the holiday store was a little too much for me to take. I won't bore you with the details but I ended up rescuing another cat that same afternoon. My friend Jim called me "Ellen the cat lady" but I'm pretty sure that that only applies to someone with three or more cats. I've even heard it can go as high as seven or more. Not that I would want any more than two. Seriously.

The funny thing is that this cat has the same markings as my Tilly. They're two years apart but really could pass for brother and sister. He's seven months old and three days after I got him home he got sick and had to go to the vet hospital. He's back home now and so lovable - he likes being hugged, as do I. Tilly, who never has had much use for hugs, will remain the owner of the house, but she isn't too pleased with the intruder. But I can see the idea is slowly become more tolerable for her. Will keep you posted. His name is Tyler.

I'm sure the FDA advisory committee was being cautious in their decision to recommend more studies regarding Intrinsa, the female version of Viagra. Funny where caution shows up. Wonder how many religious right fanatics think that women shouldn't have a drug that increases sexual drive since sex is only for procreation anyway. Just a thought.

And when it does receive approval, I can't WAIT for the TV commercial. I still don't think anyone can beat the one that warns men to seek medical attention for a four-hour erection. God Bless America.